Please Be Broken

Right this minute I am telling myself a great big lie. It’s not a little white lie, it’s not a cleaver rouse, or a rationalization disguised as a half truth. No, this is a flat out, bold face lie. And I know it. About a week ago, my great big, Sony FD Trinitron Wega 32 inch television set went on the fritz. I don’t know if stacking the microwave on top of it, finally did it in, or maybe it was all the verbal abuse it took during the Chargers loss to the Patriots (we have sense made up, I brought flowers.) One day I came home, and as I always do, mindlessly turned on the big Sony. Without reason the remote was not doing anything remotely. After fiddling with the buttons, all of a sudden the volume starting moving up to full all by itself. I quickly held my finder on the volume minus sign, and it went down, but as soon as I lifted my finger, it went right back up again. I needed a young priest and an old priest, this thing was possessed. Maybe my television has joined with the writers. Good for it, take a stand.

The funny thing is I was glad it was broken. Television is my drug of choice. I am televisions crack whore. I don’t even like 99% of the junk that’s on my 200 channels, and yet I watch endlessly. I also suffer from surfitis, I think most guys do, in that I know if I keep changing the channel enough, something good will come on, it never does. Oh sure occasionally, there will be a Discovery Channel series on the Planet, or a Ken Burns piece on history, or football, or Cool Hand Luke, but you have to dig through a lot of trash to stumble across that one Sopranos rerun on Wednesday nights.

The lie I have been telling my self, is that my television is still broken. I was playing a CD and reading the other night, and on a whim, (hey the super bowl is coming up) I tried playing with the buttons on the front of the TV. After a few weird combinations of button pushing, and a head butt or two, the volume stopped going up on its own. Dam! I quickly turned off the set, unplugged it, and ran to the sofa. I am pretending that never happened. I want it to be broken, except this Sunday of course. Hey I have people coming over.

I love having a broken television. It actual feels good. Not getting annoyed by American Idol commercials, Fox Noise, and the endless Brittney coverage. What’s she up to by the way. I am reading a lot, writing a little, and I feel much more relaxed. Now it’s a test of will power. I have taken the batteries out of the remote, and left the set unplugged, in the slight chance that will prevent a relapse. Come on just a half an hour of Two and Half Men, that’s OK, right. Cold turkey my ass, MSN.com says Lindsey is out of rehab, that must be on TMZ.